Hypocrites

This one's for you, Vic.

I didn't have a camera to take a photo of it but I saw a Christian poster outside a Port Macquarie church that I could laugh at in an appreciative manner (as opposed to being aggravated or laughing at it in a cynical or scoffing manner).

This Church is not full of hypocrites.
There is always room for more.

I thought it was well done. And I appreciate not only the humour but the self-acknowledgement that we are all hypocrites.

Life's a beach

My next-door neighbours (soon to be housemates) and I went to Port Macquarie on Saturday morning to return on Monday. We ended up returning on Tuesday after Arran's alternator belt snapped in his car. I'll try not to blah on about it too much but will say that I had an awesome time. Sorry the Pic's aren't in random order but i couldn't be stuffed.

***

Quote of the holiday goes to Arran, who was actually pretty daft all weekend. In his defence I think we all had a bit of sunstroke and did/said our fair share of idiocy. Looking at the signpost for Sixty Second St.

Sixty Second St? Yeah, I guess it would probably
take about a minute to walk down the end.

Unfortunately he was being serious. I went from laughing at his wit to laughing at his dumb arse.

***

Mel's pondering: Just what do foreign tourists think when they see 'No Bombing' signs around Australian pools?

Dan in South West Rocks' historical gaol.

Looking out from the sentry post.

"Try to look desperate. Not THAT sort of desperate, you tart!"

Goon. Rollies. Tent. It was a budget holiday.

Arran's car getting towed... it was a Mel trip all right.

Two happy campers and a sun-burned sugar pot.

It's not a kinky game, nor a satanic ritual; it was raining and I was cold.

This is the BEST beer I have ever had.

Arran pointing out Stupid the Duck. (a pestiferous pelican he had named the previous day... and wasn't even there when he was pointing.)

Moi hunting for crabs of the beach variety - apparently I was running around like it was the first time I'd ever seen a beach. Glad I could provide some amusement. I finally found and bought a bikini top that fits. It is the most I ever expect to pay for a little piece of material and two under wires. But it fits. You have no idea how long I have looked for swimwear that fits. Please excuse my legs squashing my tits out in this shot.

Budget bread: $1.50

Home brand dead horse: 98c

Being more burnt than the sausages, priceless.

Dan after I had sun screened him up over his sunburn. Not a happy camper.

What's a holiday without some self portraits?

Dan finally gets a spine. Even if he had to fish it out of the sand. joking.

I had a threesome in a brothel without knowing it...

Today my next door neighbours and I went to inspect a house we thought sounded great to move into. As soon as we pulled up outside I started laughing and had to confess to my to-be-housemates that I had memories of the house already and knew what it looked like. We were walking around making sexual innuendos in every room after that when the Real Estate shared that the house used to be the town brothel. I swear it wasn't a brothel when I was there.

So the story looks like this: A straight man, a gay man and a bi-sexual woman are applying for an ex brothel from Hookers. The bi woman has already had a threesome with another straight man and bi woman in the house. It sounds like a joke but it's true.

So anyway, I hope we get the house. I can't wait to get out of this unit for a start but the other part of it is, well, that house has mojo for me. I had the best sex of my life there and it's about time I at least attempted to out-do it.

Single-Serving Friends

Tonight I have a heavy heart. Aloneness haunts my mind. It seems that the older I get the more and more relationships, of every kind, become more and more temporary. It feels like soon the people I know will be “single-serving friends” (thank you, for the quote, Fight Club), that is if they are not already. I’ve not had much of a problem with being alone before… in fact I’ve been known as a “loner” and enjoyed it for the majority of my life. Even now I’m not sure that I’m lonely; just haunted by the prospect that I will always be alone. I think I’m becoming dependent on having somebody who will love me, a close friend, a lover… just anybody who I can love back. And I hate it. Then again, when I was independent I always felt like I was missing something too.

So far as romance goes, I’m not a particularly attractive person to look at – I would say a little under par - but I generally receive a lot of attention when I’m out. I guess there’s not a lot to choose from in these rural areas. I get along well with most people too… nothing extraordinary. There is nothing special about me but I guess I have some sort of initial charm… I can reel people in without effort… but what does that matter when it’s for a night, a week or, if I’m lucky, a month?

It’s not always necessarily that I lose friends or lovers completely after a brief closeness… sometimes we fade into each others backgrounds and nothing special remains. I try to think now of anyone I am special to and it occurs to me that I am special to nobody and, to be honest, it pierces my heart. I try to think of anyone I have ever been special to and that is worse. There was someone once but that is long gone.

There is not a soul in existence that I am close to. All I want is to be able to reach out into the darkness and know that there will be a hand there waiting for me to hold.

I have a bit of an abandonment complex. (I don't know what that's called when it's actually true - an awareness of "hey, don't fall for it - you know you're going to be left at some point") I can see where it initially comes from; I was emotionally left by my family, then the person I’ve loved most in the world, then the friends who didn’t like a few truths (that I don’t think changed who I was at all and had been there the whole time anyway), then the friend who recognised I had this abandonment complex and told me he would never leave me, my last two relationships (if u could call them that) and with beautiful timing, between starting this paragraph and finishing it, I have just had a txt conversation with a friend I love which I believe has ended our friendship. So you see, when I start to really love somebody I try to remind myself that it's only temporary if they seem to reciprocate but I never seem to be prepared enough. For instance, right now with my recently lost friend; It’s a knife in the chest and, yes, I’m having a cry over it despite the knowledge it was always going to come to this.

It is not a rhetorical question when I ask, what am I doing so wrong? I can’t possibly be any further hurt or insulted so don’t hold back if you have any answers…

Perhaps it is not a great mystery. Perhaps I do have the answers. I do not believe that I am a bad person. But I know that I am not an interesting person either. I feel useless to all; maybe not entirely useless, but single-serving useless. And that, amongst other things may be my answer.

The thing is that I be myself. And if I have to be anything else I would prefer to retreat back into that world where I once lived with nobody of significance in my life, where I saw people only as necessary and forgot about the rest of the world. But then I might as well not exist. The person I loved most in my life, and perhaps the only person to have ever truly loved me, once warned me against this. She was a wise woman, she experienced it, and I know she meant to save me from myself. So I try to let my heart be open, as if I have a choice anymore, but if I can’t be loved perhaps I am just foolish.

The Preceding is a pathetic post, I realise this. I don’t know what I want from it… answers of some sort. Somebody to confirm why I’m always alone? Somebody to promise me, sincerely, that I will have at least a close friend one day who will be there? That one day I will be able to be brave because I will know that if I fall somebody will pick me up. I guess it comes from fear. It is my life at the moment. I feel like I’m on thin ice and if I fall through I know that only I have a chance of saving myself… and I’m not sure that I can. Maybe I need somebody to take me by the shoulders and tell me to wake up and grow up. Tell me to get some guts and accept responsibility for myself, rely only on myself… I should become somebody who is strong enough to pick themselves up no matter what. I just feel so weak now.

Mother Figure, how?

Yesterday I met two little girls over the fence. They were aged maybe four and six asked me if I had kids. Then they asked me why not. I was a little bit dumb-founded to be honest and their mother jumped in and answered that I was too young and “you have to live a little before you have kids”. I added that the answers would become more elaborate as they get older.

What I’m wondering is, does everyone get asked this question by little girls? It seems to happen frequently with me and became a little concerning when the last little girl before this told me she wanted to go home with me and I could be her mother forever.

I don't think I look like a mother. Despite my old nickname being "Mum", I don't think I'm much of a mother figure at all. But for some reason little girls do seem to be drawn to me thou... and then the questions...

I don’t know why, but it’s playing on my mind a lot and I can't get it out. I don't know the relevance of this at all but it's nagging me…

Kittens

I'm unemployed, broke, single, have no libido, am lost and don't have much going for me at the moment... yes, i feel like shit. So, I decided I needed something positive to write. Prepare to be bored.

A couple of weeks ago a kitten came meowing as Arran, my next door neighbour, and I were having a bbq. I had seen two little kittens in someone's backyard a few doors down so carried the kitten back to this house and left it there when there was no answer to the door. I returned to our bbq but it didn't take long before the kitten was back. It was followed by another. They stayed around as we bbq'd and i ended up keeping them snuggled up to me for the night.

I went to return them again the next morning and having no answer again left a note. They were starving little things and there was evidence they had been living on grass and insects for a while... so i fed them. Now they were definitely going to stick around despite my leaving the door open for them to leave. I put a letter in every mail-box along our block and took them to the vets to check for microchips. None. I haven't heard from anyone and have claimed them as my own.

Scout - The Independent.

Scout is named after the origin of the word ("the first explorer") being the first kitten that ventured over and then led his brother. He has since proven that it wasn't a fluke... he goes boldly and independently ahead in every situation checking it out before his brother feels safe to join him. Once he has things sussed he generally sits back a bit. He reminds me of the elder, responsible sibling. He is tolerant of his brother who often pounces on him when he is obviously trying to sleep or be otherwise engaged. He shows a lot more patience and attention span and carries a sense of pride and dignity. Although he's pretty independent and doesn't demand a lot of attention he has his soft side too and does come over for a nurse or to curl up beside me.

Scamp - The sook.

Scamp wasn't really named Scamp; it was just that i found myself saying, "get out of that, you little scamp!" so much that it kind of stuck. Although he can be a bit of a pain, Scamp is a mummy's boy. He generally doesn't like to venture too far away, always greets me enthusiastically, sleeps as close as he can to me and, when he feels he's not getting enough attention, headbutts me gently in the face and smooches. When he's not being full-on affectionate you can gaurantee he's being full-on weird. He's a bit of a clown with plenty of personality and Scout and I often just sit and let him entertain us.

The photo to the right is how i have spent a fair bit of time lately - watching dvds with Scamp getting as close to my face as possible and Scout lying beside me or just nearby. Hey, everybody needs a bossom for a pillow.

The Kittens have become my comfort at night, encourage me to go to bed, and are my reason to get up again the next day. Yes, I've become quite attached to them. Yes, I too hope I don't become a crazy spinster cat lady.

I have something positive in my life.

Drunk Whinge

I want to crawl into a hole. I went out for the first time tonight since New Years. And for the first time since quite a while before that. I can't say that I enjoyed it.
I got kissed by some chick. She was attractive and seemed nice... but i wasn't interested. I told her this in fact and she danced and kissed the night away with a friend of mine looking over her shoulder at me. Maybe I should have been interested... but i wasn't. I can't be interested in anyone or anything for that matter. I don't want to be here. I don't want to exist at the moment. I don't want to get out of bed - i can't think of any reason to. It's times like this I don't give a shit about life and wish it would fuck off and everyone in it too. Not that I don't love people, 'cause I do... but I just want to be alone and save the hassle of pretending to have some enthusiasm. I am a shit friend. I realise this. I have pending requests for help at the moment... but I want to pretend i'm unconscious until something changes and I can snap out of this.
This is my drunken rant and I will wake up to myself soon enough. Bye bye.